Gay for pay in our cult-of-celebrity era

While there are some signs that gay-for-pay actors in today's cult of celebrity era are less afraid of being linked to their gay characters or typecast like Brokeback Mountain's Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, Colin Farrell, (shown here kissing Dallas Roberts in A Home at the End of the World), however, reasserted his own heterosexuality in a 2004 interview in with GQ:

"I was very uncomfortable doing it. As much as I love Dallas -- and I got on great with him -- I didn't enjoy it. I'd prefer to lift weights for 20 minutes than kiss a guy for two seconds. It taught me what I knew already: I don't like kissing boys. When you feel his stubble against your lip, it's repulsive to me, as repulsive to me as for a lot of gay men the idea of putting their tongue near a pussy is—something that, for me, is akin to heaven sometimes." - Colin Farrell

"Every man goes through a period of thinking they’re attracted to another guy." - Jake Gyllenhaal

"I'm big enough and brave enough to do it." - Heath Ledger

We are all at various levels of accepting who we are and what we are willing to do and not everything or everyone is going to turn our crank. Both personal boundaries and chemistry are important.

When Van Hansis (Luke on As The World Turns) learned that his character would be gay, he said he was hoping that the actor who would play his character's love interest would at least be "cool".

I've kissed many guys and girls in my life. One of the worst kissers was this lesbian I dated before she came out. Ironically, her gay male friend was one of the best kissers I've had. I've only kissed them each one time and it was in the same room and 5 minutes apart.

Thought of the day: If you're going to kiss someone, chemistry is definitely important.

Pretending to crotch grab your buddy in front of the suburban girl you just picked up

Every summer there's always plenty of public activities to go to where everyone from the burbs comes down to the city.

A buddy of mine and his girlfriend were throwing a party on their apartment roof deck on one such night this summer. His buddy had just broken up with his girlfriend recently and had picked up a sweet suburban girl who had lost her friends in the crowds.

So we were on the roof deck drinking beers and chatting afterwards and my buddy had a bag of chips on his lap. His buddy reached into the bag and my buddy said, "dig deeper, boy". So his buddy dug really deep into the bag pretending to feel his crotch and we all broke out in laughter except the suburban girl. She said, "I think it's time I go now" in a "Are you guys gay?" voice. My buddy said, "This ain't the homophobic suburbs, girl, relax."

Crotch grabbing a flirtatious metrosexual on the street who seems to kinda like it

So the other night I went to a gay pub for a few beers. I was getting tipsy and chatting with some guys and then an acquaintance of mine walked in and bought me yet another beer. So I was pretty tipsy and getting gregarious. At closing time, me and this guy I had been chatting with poured onto the street.

We were just rambling when this cute metrosexual dude in his late 30s walked by and engaged us in a conversation. (See: How To Know if You're a Metrosexual). Actually he interrupted our conversation, but he was cute so I obliged. He was trying really hard to show his acceptance and tolerance of gays. He kept saying how cool the bar we had stumbled out of was and rattled off the names of a few gay clubs that had closed down many years ago to some how prove that he wasn't a homophobe or something. The guy I was chatting with and I both said it was just a bar and we weren't that thrilled with the place. It was odd that he was more thrilled with it than we were.

He was obviously very homosocial, but he also made a point of saying, "I'm not gay" several times. I replied, "I'm not gay either" to see how he'd respond and I could see his head spinning.

Labels are a peculiar thing and many of us who don't identify as gay negotiate our identities differently. I also think that by the time you're in your late 30s, you've had plenty of time to explore both sides of the closet. Even most gay personals online repeatedly ask "How out are you" and the options provided are indicative of the diversity of "outness".

I think the closet has often been thought of as a bad thing because "you're not being true to yourself" or whatever. I think that's a crock. We're not all a 6 on the Kinsey Scale.

So the guy and I had been chatting in the bar about circumcision. I asked the flirty metrosexual if he was cut or uncut. He got shy and wouldn't answer but persisted talking to us. He was all smiling and happy. So I leaned over to grab his crotch and check for myself. He jumped back to avoid getting crotch grabbed and smiled as though he almost wanted it. Eventually after a few failed attempts he never pulled back in time and I successfully grabbed his crotch and gave it a gentle squeeze. He was wearing sweat pants so I could feel quite a bit. It felt like he was either cut or he had a very thin foreskin. So I said to the the other guy, "He's cut" and then the metrosexual said "No, I'm not". Alas, we got our answer. Ha!

We all parted ways smiling.

Homosocial affection: two boxers kiss in the ring

It may not be right for you, but it's right for me

So I joined the Van Hansis fan message board yesterday and posted about how I hoped that As The World Turns would have a scene where Noah tells Luke something like "Can we just lay here and cuddle tonight". For many guys like myself, "going all the way" is a big issue.

Anyway, what began as sincere wishful thinking on my part sadly deteriorated. I was accused of being annoying, having an agenda, and received a number of harsh replies. I also received a private message thanking me for bringing up the topic despite the flack I've received. That was kinda nice. A few people also apologized for attacking me and welcomed me to the group but the next day there were more insults where someone quoted excerpts of my blog here, accused me of being harsh here in my blog, and called me "sad" because I do not like anal sex.

The "good warm group" there want us all to "let this thread die". Well I am certainly no glutton for punishment - especially from people who appear to live in glass houses - but I have a few things on my heart that I need to get out about what has sadly unfolded there.

For starters, I hope I haven't insinuated that being frigid was a horrible thing. I don't think being sexually loose is necessarily any better or worse than being frigid. But as Feist (covering the Bee Gees) sings, "Too many lovers in one lifetime ain't good for me". My only reason for mentioning it was to show the diversity of people: both men and women, gay and straight, in and out of the closet, etc.

Like the confused Noah and Luke before him, coming out is complicated. There's no cake or free toaster oven. And it certainly doesn't happen overnight. Some people I have known have got rainbow tattoos on their shoulders to somehow make it permanent, but I think even for them self-acceptance will be a lifelong process. In fact, around 10 years ago I asked this gay DJ whether he was totally out. He said that while he's been out for 30 years, he's still learning how to accept himself for who he is.

And even after someone comes out, there's no happily ever after. I came out out of the closet years ago and soon realized I was in another type of closet - the gay ghetto (hence the title of my blog).

The gay community is often more of an insular shark tank than a caring open community and like the straight world, it too has it's own rules, codes of behaviour, hierarchies, fracture, intolerance, and lack of respect for diversity often bordering on outright disdain for it unless it falls within specific boundaries. It's basically intolerance disguised as pseudo-tolerance.

I just heard that they're thinking of partitioning Iraq now like they partitioned India and Pakistan many years ago. We all talk of diversity and inclusiveness and yet our own solutions to strife are further segregation, rather than the often arduous process of dialogue, compassion and diplomacy. We are an intolerant species wanting quick fixes and painless veneers that over time only self-destruct or prove futile.

And this kinda brings me to Jesus. He cared for the social outcasts, the prostitutes, etc. He never said a word of judgment about gays. He pissed off the religious zealots and fostered tolerance, respect, and acceptance for the poor, the lonely and the disenfranchised.

Life is about overcoming challenges and obstacles. Even without sexuality, life has many challenges like careers, health, finances, and even war.

Every human being is coming to terms with who he/she is, and hopefully, who he/she is becoming. We are all on a journey.

My blog is pretty raw honesty and I don't claim to be perfect or have the right answers. My path may not be right for everyone, but it's right for me. For today alone.

It's interesting how often the ones who demand tolerance are often the last people to respect that not everyone has chosen the same path or shares the same opinions.

Sexuality is complex for straight people, gay people, bisexuals, and everything in between. Heck, even friendships can be complex and difficult to maintain.

Coming to terms with who we are is a lifelong process. I am not finished with coming to terms with myself yet because I am still learning who I am and becoming the man I want to be. I've been in and out of the closet. I've been in and out of the gay ghetto. Now, I'm out of the box and undefined.

Identity politics is didactic.

In some ways, Luke represents a lot of people who try to put their experiences onto another person rather than letting the other person (Noah) discover who he is on his own.

We can't change others and it's not kind to tell people how to live their lives or judge them because their choices would not be your choices.

All we can do is change ourselves, forgive others, and be kind and respectful to others wherever they are on their journey.

Catching up on Luke and Noah, sexual fluidity, and g0ys

Catching up on Luke and Noah's Story

So here we are in 2007. In ten short years, Ellen has become mainstream, and we've gone from keeping gay characters comical (Will & Grace) to a pretty sweet, steamy, and realistic gay romance on daytime television - Luke and Noah on As The World Turns.

Thanks to YouTube-edited clips, I'm caught up on Luke's story without getting bombarded with the other storylines. I went back to when he had a crush on his straight childhood friend Kevin, came out to his parents, came out to Kevin and others, and recently meeting and kissing the confused Noah.

Related Fan Sites:

http://noahandluke.com/
http://www.vanhansis.net/

Favorite Recent Lines:

Noah: Why do you always read into everything I say?
Luke: Well maybe it's because you never say exactly what you mean.

Fan Fiction/Predictions:

I'll be YouTubing this storyline regularly to see how it develops and have a few predictions of my own.

Soaps by their very nature rely on drawn out stories with multiple twists and daily cliffhangers. So I'm thinking that soon Maddie will find out about Noah and Luke's romance and break up with him. To protect him from his conservative military father, she'll keep up a front while Luke and Noah have their romance. Eventually Noah's father will find out and that will provide further "drama" to the gay couple's lives while shampoo, toothpaste and toilet cleanser continue to be advertised to America... I hope the writing continues to be compelling and realistic.

How would I write the story of Luke and Noah? I'd focus on Noah.

If I was the writer, here's what I would do... first of all, I'd make sexuality less black and white because nothing in life is black and white.

I'd really focus on Noah's story of coming to terms with his sexuality. It's already obvious from his army-brat life that he has never been very close to any friends and that he desperately wants some grounding and close friends.

I'd have Noah and Luke continue their romance behind Maddie's back and make it not so confrontational. They both really need a good cry together.

I'd try to have some really sincere and even tearful scenes of the two guys embraced and cuddling and kissing and talking about their hopes and fears and insecurities.

I'd also like to see them dialogue more about whether guys can maintain an intimate friendship without actually "going all the way" (having anal sex) and also bring up the topic of bisexuality or even asexuality. The "going all the way" thing should most definitely be brought up and definitely not just "implied" because it's a very big issue. It's a real issue.

I think the words gay and anal sex are so wrongfully infused together. Straight people always crack "up the bum" jokes but I have met many openly gay guys who are sexually frigid.

There's also plenty of men with closeted love affairs who aren't really any worse off or more lonely than if they were "out". Just one trip to a gay bar and you'll see plenty of very lonely "out" men.

For every man, there's a unique story, and the gay world or coming out is just not cookie cutter clean and simple.

Something tells me that even 20 years from now, America just won't be ready for the real complexities of fluid sexuality and same sex intimacy. Heck, even some of my gay friends aren't ready for it either. But I cherish the meaningful discussions with the few that are. So while Luke and Noah's story is probably not going to go where I wold like it to go, (it's a soap afterall) I think it's a great story so far.

Why America isn't ready for sexual fluidity

As a teen with few friends and living in the suburbs, I watched soap operas. But once I moved to the city on my own, making a living and going out became more important than being glued to mindless TV. I never looked back and thankfully haven't watched a soap opera in nearly two decades. But stumbling on this "groundbreaking gay romance" of Luke and Noah on As The World Turns has peaked my interest to see how times have (and haven't) changed.

"Historically, queer soap opera characters have lived loveless, sexless, and tragic lives when compared to their heterosexual counterparts. The plotlines for gay, lesbian, and bisexual characters on daytime television have typically been limited to subjects like coming out, AIDS, homophobia and unrequited love, a far cry from the wildly romantic, outrageous, and sexually voracious adventures of straight soap characters." - Soaps Come Clean About Gay Teens

"The content-related policies of [As The World Turns] sponsor Procter & Gamble Productions may have contributed to the perception of conservatism. The soap manufacturing giant typically balked at storylines in which adultery and other immoral behavior would go unpunished, and as late as the 1980s characters from the primary families were still generally not allowed to go through with abortions." - Wikipedia.

I found an old article from The Advocate that made me even more aware of the politics of soap operas. According to The Advocate, in 1998, the Disney-owned ABC, came under fire from the religious right regarding Ellen. Back then one of its soap operas dealt with it's gay character by having him seek psychotherapy.

It's interesting how soap operas (and cable news for that matter) are ultimately about selling soap (or cars, etc), how corporate America ultimately listens to its viewers, and how even in these liberal times, the conversation today avoids sexual fluidity.

The sexual fluidity of Closeted g0ys

The older I get, the more I realize that heterosexual coupling is still very much the status quo with a very strong pull. Nobody wants to be alone forever. Procreation is a natural drive and the yin-yang of male-female can never be fully replicated in a man-man relationship.

While we've come a long way in accepting gays, I think the gay world itself is in many ways trapped because it places the penetrative man-woman relationship as its ideal counter model.

I think that two men can definitely care intensely for each other, and they can even kiss and cuddle, play around, and cry together.

I just want to challenge the gay stereotypes because I and many people I know don't really fit them. There's also a growing number of website groups dealing with g0ys (spelled with a zer0). For example, the group closetedg0ys has almost 7,000 members.

"A G0y is a homosexual man who does not practice anal sex. G0ys consider anal sex indecent whether it be between man and woman or man and man. Ancient Greeks were mostly G0ys since anal sex was prohibited (and illegal) but all other displays of affection between men were considered normal. Temple prostitutes were labelled perverts because they engaged in anal sex. Thus, a G0Y (Spelled with a ZER0), will engage in all forms of spiritual and physical intimacy with other men except anal sex." - Urban Dictionary

Daytime television deals with sexuality and coming out

Sometimes I feel like I increasingly live in my own little world as I get older. I used to follow pop culture very closely but am not nearly as plugged in as I was in my teens and early 20s.

The other day I noticed "Videos being watched right now" on YouTube. One of them was two young men kissing on As The World Turns. I spent a bit of time watching the various YouTube segments on this gay storyline and read some of the comments.

The two characters are Luke Snyder and Noah Mayer (played by Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann). Neither of them are stereotypical gay guys and are both good looking and straight acting.

The plot is your typical love triangle: Noah is dating Luke's best friend, Maddie Coleman. What's interesting is that Noah is very confused about his sexuality while Luke is now "out" and increasingly comfortable with being gay.

You can watch Noah and Luke's story at: http://vanhansis.net/gallery.html

The comments on YouTube vary. Some think Luke is being too hard on Noah and expecting him to come out too quickly, while others think it's realistic in that Noah needs time to figure things out.

TV has come a long way since I was a kid and sexuality is definitely an issue for many people today. I'll be curious to see where this storyline goes and to watch Noah's struggle. Even if someone comes out as a gay man, it certainly does not mean "happily ever after". In fact, I think guys who come out are often more miserable and lonely than some who are "in the closet". Coming out is definitely not a magic solution nor does it happen in one day. For many it's a life long process of self acceptance and learning about what we're willing to live with (or live without). Life is a confidence game.

The kiss...



The struggle...

"For you it's not wrong, but for me it is... I think you made a choice and I'm making mine... I can control it. I will control it. Be my friend, don't tell anyone..." - Noah



In conclusion, we all deal with our sexuality in different ways. Sexuality is not black and white and it's not just about sex - the F in BF is for friend. I think society often forgets that. Men need close male friends and the boundaries of intimacy are increasingly blurry today.

Sexuality is a huge spectrum of desires, needs and emotions. All of our needs will never be completely met by another person, regardless of whether we're straight or gay and bisexuality is often the elephant in the room that is rarely discussed. I think everyone has the propensity towards bisexuality but because it is neither here nor there, we come to terms with either a straight life or a gay life.

Desire, needs and emotions are not a constant and can change over time because everyone is on a journey of self-discovery and growth. I recently ran into an old gay friend of mine who is around 40 and is starting to having romantic feelings for a woman. We are all learning about life and how to live our lives based on our own experiences. We all have fears and insecurities. For some, homosexuality is wrong and for others it isn't. Either way, I think most people would agree that it's not the ideal and doesn't come without its own pain and problems.

To be continued...

Mostly-platonic buddies

While I spent a number of years out of the gay scene (after over a decade in it), in the past year or two, I've been going to a few gay bars again and the nude beach where I live including befriending a few gay men platonically. In this time I've also "played around" a little bit with a couple of guys from gay bars and a couple of closeted guys who struggle with their sexuality. I haven't dated any of them nor do I want to. I guess what I'm really looking for is deep close male friends, but definitely not a "boyfriend".

I believe that platonic shared nudity can be a healing experience and facilitate healthy male bonding and transparency. For me, regular sexual activity with one male would not be desirable or healthy, however, I don't necessarily think that "playing around" occasionally is the end of the world. I know I have to be careful here and that this is where some of the biggest division is:

"There seem to be two camps of thought among those who have thought about it at all: It's not ok, and God can cure you, OR it is ok and there's no sin in being a practicing homosexual." - Gays Christians & Truth

I still wrestle with the Bible verse about not awakening desire before it's time. But I definitely think there is such as thing as healthy nudity even though I know that massage often leads to arousal and arousal usually involves release either with someone or alone later. I've given this subject many years of thought. It's taken me a long time to come to this point in my life and I'm not claiming that I'm right or that I'm not playing with fire. I do, however, think that there are many things that are much worse than two mostly-platonic buddies who sometimes "play around" together.

I definitely need and enjoy the company of men and believe God designed all men to need men and that even the most heterosexual married man can not have all his needs met by his wife. For the man who is bisexual or struggles with homosexual tendencies, being nude with another guy is not guaranteed to be always platonic.

What my eyes have seen... Part 1

I was a big-time oversensitive momma's boy and a sheltered late bloomer in many senses. I grew up being teased for running like a girl. I played with girls and dolls. I even wore dresses. I sucked at sports and was picked last every time. I was terribly insecure, always got red in the face, wet my pants and the bed, and cried to my mother about how much I was teased and nobody liked me. I was afraid and lonely.

I grew up with caring Christians parents who tried their best. My dad was very strict and so I clung to my mother.

I had had a few gay experiences in childhood and one as a teenager and was deeply afraid of being gay. I masturbated to the men's underwear section of the Sears catalogue throughout high school. I definitely liked masculine adult male bodies and hated my own.

Part of me also felt that I would never be liked romantically by a girl so when it happened, it really helped my sense of self worth. After that first kiss on the lips with my first real girl friend at age 19, I had so much going through my head. She was much more experienced than me and I felt like such a child still. It only lasted a month and I was devastated when she dumped me and began dating another guy the next week.

I moved out onto my own at 19 within a few months after that breakup. Even though I had been raised in the church with Christian parents, my faith was extremely weak. It was quickly torn to shreds upon moving to the big city. But the city and the boys in the city were very alluring to me.

I always tried to be straight acting and straight looking although certain people had their suspicions. I had a series of very brief relationships with girls my age that I had met in dance clubs although suspicions about my sexuality were never far off. I lost my virginity to a woman when I was in my early 20s and then lived with another woman for a year, much to my parents' dismay.

I knew premarital sex was wrong but felt that it was even worse to be gay. I also discovered that I was able to enjoy sex with a woman and fell deeply in love with her. That really gave me some hope that I could fix myself from homosexual feelings. I even wanted to go to church again since I had stopped going for years. I brought her to church with me once and she was moved to tears during worship.

I wanted to be whole and healed and happy and married. But God had another plan. When that relationship ended, I hit the lowest point of my life... a deep depression that lasted for over a year including being suicidal. We had made a commitment and now that commitment had been broken. I felt so betrayed. I really believed that we would be together forever.

I started going to church again regularly praying so hard that she would come back to me but I also found myself craving sexual intimacy more than ever before.

During the year I had lived with her, I had abandoned pretty much all of my friends so for the first time I was completely alone in this wild world.

Solitude has its advantages... anonymity.

I soon found myself going to gay bars by myself on Fridays and Saturdays but kept going to church on Sundays for a few years. I never thought a good looking gay guy would find me attractive but one did. And so began my gay experiences with countless men. I even dated a few other women again but never had sex with them. I also never had anal sex with the guys I was with, other than a few drunken failed attempts that were really unpleasant.

I remained ambiguous about my sexuality to my friends and colleagues even though I had a casual boyfriend for 3 years. My platonic girlfriends and I would party at gay raves and "mixed" clubs every weekend and I was also becoming a permanent fixture in the gay bars and knew many of the regulars. Sadly, we only knew each other in the bar, but not out of the bar. The bar was my life but I increasingly felt trapped in it as well.

It didn't take me long to realize that the gay world had a pecking order just like the straight world. The A-Club, the B-Club and the C-Club. What also struck me odd was that I had always thought that gay guys had cool hair, cool clothes and danced really well. I was surprised when I learned that tacky guys who can't dress well or dance could also be gay. The whole top and bottom thing really bothered me because I was neither. I also wasn't a twink, bear, or cub. It just felt like there were so many rules in the gay world and I soon realized how intolerant gays were of heterosexuals and bisexuals. In fact, I once claimed to be bisexual and I was told that I just wasn't fully out yet. I tried so hard to fit in. I even spent $90 on a pair of Versace underwear just to gain acceptance from the A-Club. I soon found that I would get complimented on new clothes and so I felt compelled to buy new clothes but I was also broke. It was a vicious circle of getting affirmed only by wearing the latest clothes or having a new haircut.

So here I was living these two lives. The club life was a cycle of drinking, dancing, casual sex, trying to fit in, and doing drugs to numb the pain. The drugs started off with pot and hash, then acid, mushrooms, ecstasy, cocaine, crystal meth and I even smoked crack a few times. I felt torn inside and often cried the day after a one night stand. I get really emotional if I don't have enough sleep and so lack of sleep after heavy drinking only added to my guilt and pain.

I also learned quickly that in the one night stand world, you have to try to separate sex from emotions or you'll only end up hurt. And I don't think it's any different in the straight world of one night stands either. Men, all men, who sleep around casually with men or women learn to disassociate the act from their emotions. Some better than others. I don't think it's anything to brag about though and some days I think it's sad that casual sex for many people is pretty much like sharing a Pepsi. And today more than ever, we live in a hypersexual environment where porn is mainstream and even Snoop Dog apparently has made guest appearances in pornos (albeit not in action scenes).

So many people I knew from the bar scene were seeing shrinks or on anti-depressants yet they drank heavily and did lots of drugs. I don't know how they did it. It was making me miserable, sick, broke and empty. I don't know how I escaped cocaine addiction, but thankfully I did. While I guess I have a bit of a self-destructive nature and can be very stubborn, common sense ultimately kicked in. I guess I wish it would kick in earlier, but my dad even said once that while I was bright in school, I've always been slow to learn some of life's basic lessons.

In the middle of my storm and unexpectedly, another woman came into my life... she was the calm in my storm and the timing couldn't have been better. She was kind, gentle, pretty and sweet. She modeled to me something that I so desperately needed to see. I told her all about my struggles with my sexuality and my faith and even cheated on her with guys. I was also so afraid of falling in love again with a non-Christian woman. I was pretty messed up. I ended the physical romance but we remained very close friends for years. She got me out of my self-destructive lifestyle and gave me hope in people again. Together we both made some good strides in developing and expanding our circle of productive, entrepreneurial and creative friends.

This is also when I began looking for online Christian groups dealing with sexuality and learned about the ex-gay movement and new terms like "same sex attraction". I started my own online group a bit naively and stopped going to gay bars. But in this strange online world of deeply religious and deeply closeted men, I soon learned that they were just as fucked up as everybody else and nobody was "progressing" out of their homosexuality nor were they becoming more Christ like.

I am increasingly grateful to be approaching the age of 40. I've learned many things and have much more to learn. In the last year or two, I've begun to slip back into some self-destructive behavior as my circle of close good friends has virtually dissolved again.

This is a glimpse of where I have been and what I have seen so far. I hope to share more thoughts and stories on gays, bisexuality, ex-gays, ex-ex-gays, and what it means to me to follow Jesus.