So I joined the Van Hansis fan message board yesterday and posted about how I hoped that As The World Turns would have a scene where Noah tells Luke something like "Can we just lay here and cuddle tonight". For many guys like myself, "going all the way" is a big issue.
Anyway, what began as sincere wishful thinking on my part sadly deteriorated. I was accused of being annoying, having an agenda, and received a number of harsh replies. I also received a private message thanking me for bringing up the topic despite the flack I've received. That was kinda nice. A few people also apologized for attacking me and welcomed me to the group but the next day there were more insults where someone quoted excerpts of my blog here, accused me of being harsh here in my blog, and called me "sad" because I do not like anal sex.
The "good warm group" there want us all to "let this thread die". Well I am certainly no glutton for punishment - especially from people who appear to live in glass houses - but I have a few things on my heart that I need to get out about what has sadly unfolded there.
For starters, I hope I haven't insinuated that being frigid was a horrible thing. I don't think being sexually loose is necessarily any better or worse than being frigid. But as Feist (covering the Bee Gees) sings, "Too many lovers in one lifetime ain't good for me". My only reason for mentioning it was to show the diversity of people: both men and women, gay and straight, in and out of the closet, etc.
Like the confused Noah and Luke before him, coming out is complicated. There's no cake or free toaster oven. And it certainly doesn't happen overnight. Some people I have known have got rainbow tattoos on their shoulders to somehow make it permanent, but I think even for them self-acceptance will be a lifelong process. In fact, around 10 years ago I asked this gay DJ whether he was totally out. He said that while he's been out for 30 years, he's still learning how to accept himself for who he is.
And even after someone comes out, there's no happily ever after. I came out out of the closet years ago and soon realized I was in another type of closet - the gay ghetto (hence the title of my blog).
The gay community is often more of an insular shark tank than a caring open community and like the straight world, it too has it's own rules, codes of behaviour, hierarchies, fracture, intolerance, and lack of respect for diversity often bordering on outright disdain for it unless it falls within specific boundaries. It's basically intolerance disguised as pseudo-tolerance.
I just heard that they're thinking of partitioning Iraq now like they partitioned India and Pakistan many years ago. We all talk of diversity and inclusiveness and yet our own solutions to strife are further segregation, rather than the often arduous process of dialogue, compassion and diplomacy. We are an intolerant species wanting quick fixes and painless veneers that over time only self-destruct or prove futile.
And this kinda brings me to Jesus. He cared for the social outcasts, the prostitutes, etc. He never said a word of judgment about gays. He pissed off the religious zealots and fostered tolerance, respect, and acceptance for the poor, the lonely and the disenfranchised.
Life is about overcoming challenges and obstacles. Even without sexuality, life has many challenges like careers, health, finances, and even war.
Every human being is coming to terms with who he/she is, and hopefully, who he/she is becoming. We are all on a journey.
My blog is pretty raw honesty and I don't claim to be perfect or have the right answers. My path may not be right for everyone, but it's right for me. For today alone.
It's interesting how often the ones who demand tolerance are often the last people to respect that not everyone has chosen the same path or shares the same opinions.
Sexuality is complex for straight people, gay people, bisexuals, and everything in between. Heck, even friendships can be complex and difficult to maintain.
Coming to terms with who we are is a lifelong process. I am not finished with coming to terms with myself yet because I am still learning who I am and becoming the man I want to be. I've been in and out of the closet. I've been in and out of the gay ghetto. Now, I'm out of the box and undefined.
Identity politics is didactic.
In some ways, Luke represents a lot of people who try to put their experiences onto another person rather than letting the other person (Noah) discover who he is on his own.
We can't change others and it's not kind to tell people how to live their lives or judge them because their choices would not be your choices.
All we can do is change ourselves, forgive others, and be kind and respectful to others wherever they are on their journey.
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2 comments:
Hi.
I don't personally care if you approve my comment for publication, I just wanted to clarify some things. My name is Violet, I am the person you mentioned who quoted from your blog over on the message board. I was showing your blog to a gay friend of mine who asked to see it and I saw that you wrote a new entry. I do apologize if you took offense at what I wrote, sincerely. But I feel you are misrepresenting what we were saying.
First of all, I was not calling you "sad" for not enjoying anal sex; in fact, I wasn't calling YOU sad at all. I feel that it is typical of the way you twist other people's words that you misrepresented this. I was saying that reading your blog made me feel sad for you, because you have obviously been pulled in several different directions in your life and I feel as though that has taken its toll on you. If anyone is obsessing over anal sex, it's not straight people making jokes or gay people having it, it's YOU. Plenty of straight people don't enjoy plenty of straight activities and nobody would argue that that makes them anything other than "straight," but you create an entirely new term simply because you find anal sex repugnant in some way. You can believe what you want, but you're coming across as acting superior to gay people who do enjoy sex, with your lofty language and condescending attitude. And the word "frigid" has a negative connotation, however you may mean it. I get what you're saying, but you're not helping your cause by using a word people have a negative reaction to to mean something positive.
Secondly, and most importantly as far as I'm concerned, just because you lived for a long time in the "gay ghetto" does not mean that all gay people act the same. You obviously fell in with a bad crowd and got burned, but there are many gay people who lead fulfilling lives, coupled with one person for many years, living out their daily routine and being happy and secure in who they are. You make it sound as though one cannot be happy and gay at the same time, which is not true. For all your proselytizing about diversity and tolerance, you certainly seem to espouse all the negative stereotypes you accuse others of having. You say you invite open discussion but the instant someone agrees with you, you shut down and go into a whiny, holier-than-thou mode.
With your ridiculous religious trappings and smug superiority disguised as humility, you have invented an identity for yourself that allows you to have your cake and eat it too. I know that I don't know you, but I would guess that you are not being entirely honest about your desires. The reason I quoted your blog was because the quotes I pulled were absolutely ludicrous, even when taken in context, and reveal you for what you are. Whoever it was who accused you of having an agenda was absolutely correct, and, again, if I offended you I apologize, but I meant every word I said.
Sincerely,
Violet
Hi Violet and thanks for writing. You can't really apologize for offending me if you meant every word and continue to do so.
I don't know how old you are, but, regrettably, life will eventually take a toll on you too.
I don't know how many gay people you know (I'm assuming you're a straight female), but there are many gay men who do not enjoy anal sex. I'm not obsessing over anal sex. The only time it's ever really an issue is when I go to a gay bar and am asked if I am a top or bottom. Or when I go to a gay chat room and next to a picture of some anus it says, "Looking for a relationship". My gay friend and I just laugh when we see those profiles.
As for g0ys, how do you ever get that I created that term? The term g0y has been around for a long time and is widely used. Google it. I did not invent it nor do I claim to be superior to anyone.
I also never said that all gay people act the same, however, I would argue with you that there are not *many* happily coupled gays. From my experiences, most gays in long term relationships have open relationships and regularly sleep with other guys. I've even been invited as a 3rd playmate many times.
As for being happy and gay at the same time. It depends on how you define happiness. Are you totally happy?
You and others at the message board told me to stop posting about Noah being g0y so I did. So how have I shut down and gone into a whiny, holier-than-thou mode? Am I whining? What are my religious trappings and smug superiority? I think religion is bullshit. How am I not being entirely honest about my desires? I like men. I have said repeatedly here that I am not perfect and do not claim to have all the answers. So what exactly is my agenda?
I really enjoy the storyline of Luke and Noah. And I'm not the only one who doesn't like anal sex. Believe me. I am almost 40 and have met hundreds upon hundreds of gay men in my life. There are countless gay men who do not engage in anal sex. One of them even messaged me at the Van Hansis message board as follows:
"I just wanted to thank you for your posting about g0y's. I've honestly never heard that term before, but it actually describes me pretty well. I know some people on this board are giving you flack about it, but I'm very appreciative of you for pointing it out. Thanks!"
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