Gay for pay in our cult-of-celebrity era

While there are some signs that gay-for-pay actors in today's cult of celebrity era are less afraid of being linked to their gay characters or typecast like Brokeback Mountain's Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, Colin Farrell, (shown here kissing Dallas Roberts in A Home at the End of the World), however, reasserted his own heterosexuality in a 2004 interview in with GQ:

"I was very uncomfortable doing it. As much as I love Dallas -- and I got on great with him -- I didn't enjoy it. I'd prefer to lift weights for 20 minutes than kiss a guy for two seconds. It taught me what I knew already: I don't like kissing boys. When you feel his stubble against your lip, it's repulsive to me, as repulsive to me as for a lot of gay men the idea of putting their tongue near a pussy is—something that, for me, is akin to heaven sometimes." - Colin Farrell

"Every man goes through a period of thinking they’re attracted to another guy." - Jake Gyllenhaal

"I'm big enough and brave enough to do it." - Heath Ledger

We are all at various levels of accepting who we are and what we are willing to do and not everything or everyone is going to turn our crank. Both personal boundaries and chemistry are important.

When Van Hansis (Luke on As The World Turns) learned that his character would be gay, he said he was hoping that the actor who would play his character's love interest would at least be "cool".

I've kissed many guys and girls in my life. One of the worst kissers was this lesbian I dated before she came out. Ironically, her gay male friend was one of the best kissers I've had. I've only kissed them each one time and it was in the same room and 5 minutes apart.

Thought of the day: If you're going to kiss someone, chemistry is definitely important.

Pretending to crotch grab your buddy in front of the suburban girl you just picked up

Every summer there's always plenty of public activities to go to where everyone from the burbs comes down to the city.

A buddy of mine and his girlfriend were throwing a party on their apartment roof deck on one such night this summer. His buddy had just broken up with his girlfriend recently and had picked up a sweet suburban girl who had lost her friends in the crowds.

So we were on the roof deck drinking beers and chatting afterwards and my buddy had a bag of chips on his lap. His buddy reached into the bag and my buddy said, "dig deeper, boy". So his buddy dug really deep into the bag pretending to feel his crotch and we all broke out in laughter except the suburban girl. She said, "I think it's time I go now" in a "Are you guys gay?" voice. My buddy said, "This ain't the homophobic suburbs, girl, relax."

Crotch grabbing a flirtatious metrosexual on the street who seems to kinda like it

So the other night I went to a gay pub for a few beers. I was getting tipsy and chatting with some guys and then an acquaintance of mine walked in and bought me yet another beer. So I was pretty tipsy and getting gregarious. At closing time, me and this guy I had been chatting with poured onto the street.

We were just rambling when this cute metrosexual dude in his late 30s walked by and engaged us in a conversation. (See: How To Know if You're a Metrosexual). Actually he interrupted our conversation, but he was cute so I obliged. He was trying really hard to show his acceptance and tolerance of gays. He kept saying how cool the bar we had stumbled out of was and rattled off the names of a few gay clubs that had closed down many years ago to some how prove that he wasn't a homophobe or something. The guy I was chatting with and I both said it was just a bar and we weren't that thrilled with the place. It was odd that he was more thrilled with it than we were.

He was obviously very homosocial, but he also made a point of saying, "I'm not gay" several times. I replied, "I'm not gay either" to see how he'd respond and I could see his head spinning.

Labels are a peculiar thing and many of us who don't identify as gay negotiate our identities differently. I also think that by the time you're in your late 30s, you've had plenty of time to explore both sides of the closet. Even most gay personals online repeatedly ask "How out are you" and the options provided are indicative of the diversity of "outness".

I think the closet has often been thought of as a bad thing because "you're not being true to yourself" or whatever. I think that's a crock. We're not all a 6 on the Kinsey Scale.

So the guy and I had been chatting in the bar about circumcision. I asked the flirty metrosexual if he was cut or uncut. He got shy and wouldn't answer but persisted talking to us. He was all smiling and happy. So I leaned over to grab his crotch and check for myself. He jumped back to avoid getting crotch grabbed and smiled as though he almost wanted it. Eventually after a few failed attempts he never pulled back in time and I successfully grabbed his crotch and gave it a gentle squeeze. He was wearing sweat pants so I could feel quite a bit. It felt like he was either cut or he had a very thin foreskin. So I said to the the other guy, "He's cut" and then the metrosexual said "No, I'm not". Alas, we got our answer. Ha!

We all parted ways smiling.

Homosocial affection: two boxers kiss in the ring

It may not be right for you, but it's right for me

So I joined the Van Hansis fan message board yesterday and posted about how I hoped that As The World Turns would have a scene where Noah tells Luke something like "Can we just lay here and cuddle tonight". For many guys like myself, "going all the way" is a big issue.

Anyway, what began as sincere wishful thinking on my part sadly deteriorated. I was accused of being annoying, having an agenda, and received a number of harsh replies. I also received a private message thanking me for bringing up the topic despite the flack I've received. That was kinda nice. A few people also apologized for attacking me and welcomed me to the group but the next day there were more insults where someone quoted excerpts of my blog here, accused me of being harsh here in my blog, and called me "sad" because I do not like anal sex.

The "good warm group" there want us all to "let this thread die". Well I am certainly no glutton for punishment - especially from people who appear to live in glass houses - but I have a few things on my heart that I need to get out about what has sadly unfolded there.

For starters, I hope I haven't insinuated that being frigid was a horrible thing. I don't think being sexually loose is necessarily any better or worse than being frigid. But as Feist (covering the Bee Gees) sings, "Too many lovers in one lifetime ain't good for me". My only reason for mentioning it was to show the diversity of people: both men and women, gay and straight, in and out of the closet, etc.

Like the confused Noah and Luke before him, coming out is complicated. There's no cake or free toaster oven. And it certainly doesn't happen overnight. Some people I have known have got rainbow tattoos on their shoulders to somehow make it permanent, but I think even for them self-acceptance will be a lifelong process. In fact, around 10 years ago I asked this gay DJ whether he was totally out. He said that while he's been out for 30 years, he's still learning how to accept himself for who he is.

And even after someone comes out, there's no happily ever after. I came out out of the closet years ago and soon realized I was in another type of closet - the gay ghetto (hence the title of my blog).

The gay community is often more of an insular shark tank than a caring open community and like the straight world, it too has it's own rules, codes of behaviour, hierarchies, fracture, intolerance, and lack of respect for diversity often bordering on outright disdain for it unless it falls within specific boundaries. It's basically intolerance disguised as pseudo-tolerance.

I just heard that they're thinking of partitioning Iraq now like they partitioned India and Pakistan many years ago. We all talk of diversity and inclusiveness and yet our own solutions to strife are further segregation, rather than the often arduous process of dialogue, compassion and diplomacy. We are an intolerant species wanting quick fixes and painless veneers that over time only self-destruct or prove futile.

And this kinda brings me to Jesus. He cared for the social outcasts, the prostitutes, etc. He never said a word of judgment about gays. He pissed off the religious zealots and fostered tolerance, respect, and acceptance for the poor, the lonely and the disenfranchised.

Life is about overcoming challenges and obstacles. Even without sexuality, life has many challenges like careers, health, finances, and even war.

Every human being is coming to terms with who he/she is, and hopefully, who he/she is becoming. We are all on a journey.

My blog is pretty raw honesty and I don't claim to be perfect or have the right answers. My path may not be right for everyone, but it's right for me. For today alone.

It's interesting how often the ones who demand tolerance are often the last people to respect that not everyone has chosen the same path or shares the same opinions.

Sexuality is complex for straight people, gay people, bisexuals, and everything in between. Heck, even friendships can be complex and difficult to maintain.

Coming to terms with who we are is a lifelong process. I am not finished with coming to terms with myself yet because I am still learning who I am and becoming the man I want to be. I've been in and out of the closet. I've been in and out of the gay ghetto. Now, I'm out of the box and undefined.

Identity politics is didactic.

In some ways, Luke represents a lot of people who try to put their experiences onto another person rather than letting the other person (Noah) discover who he is on his own.

We can't change others and it's not kind to tell people how to live their lives or judge them because their choices would not be your choices.

All we can do is change ourselves, forgive others, and be kind and respectful to others wherever they are on their journey.

Catching up on Luke and Noah, sexual fluidity, and g0ys

Catching up on Luke and Noah's Story

So here we are in 2007. In ten short years, Ellen has become mainstream, and we've gone from keeping gay characters comical (Will & Grace) to a pretty sweet, steamy, and realistic gay romance on daytime television - Luke and Noah on As The World Turns.

Thanks to YouTube-edited clips, I'm caught up on Luke's story without getting bombarded with the other storylines. I went back to when he had a crush on his straight childhood friend Kevin, came out to his parents, came out to Kevin and others, and recently meeting and kissing the confused Noah.

Related Fan Sites:

http://noahandluke.com/
http://www.vanhansis.net/

Favorite Recent Lines:

Noah: Why do you always read into everything I say?
Luke: Well maybe it's because you never say exactly what you mean.

Fan Fiction/Predictions:

I'll be YouTubing this storyline regularly to see how it develops and have a few predictions of my own.

Soaps by their very nature rely on drawn out stories with multiple twists and daily cliffhangers. So I'm thinking that soon Maddie will find out about Noah and Luke's romance and break up with him. To protect him from his conservative military father, she'll keep up a front while Luke and Noah have their romance. Eventually Noah's father will find out and that will provide further "drama" to the gay couple's lives while shampoo, toothpaste and toilet cleanser continue to be advertised to America... I hope the writing continues to be compelling and realistic.

How would I write the story of Luke and Noah? I'd focus on Noah.

If I was the writer, here's what I would do... first of all, I'd make sexuality less black and white because nothing in life is black and white.

I'd really focus on Noah's story of coming to terms with his sexuality. It's already obvious from his army-brat life that he has never been very close to any friends and that he desperately wants some grounding and close friends.

I'd have Noah and Luke continue their romance behind Maddie's back and make it not so confrontational. They both really need a good cry together.

I'd try to have some really sincere and even tearful scenes of the two guys embraced and cuddling and kissing and talking about their hopes and fears and insecurities.

I'd also like to see them dialogue more about whether guys can maintain an intimate friendship without actually "going all the way" (having anal sex) and also bring up the topic of bisexuality or even asexuality. The "going all the way" thing should most definitely be brought up and definitely not just "implied" because it's a very big issue. It's a real issue.

I think the words gay and anal sex are so wrongfully infused together. Straight people always crack "up the bum" jokes but I have met many openly gay guys who are sexually frigid.

There's also plenty of men with closeted love affairs who aren't really any worse off or more lonely than if they were "out". Just one trip to a gay bar and you'll see plenty of very lonely "out" men.

For every man, there's a unique story, and the gay world or coming out is just not cookie cutter clean and simple.

Something tells me that even 20 years from now, America just won't be ready for the real complexities of fluid sexuality and same sex intimacy. Heck, even some of my gay friends aren't ready for it either. But I cherish the meaningful discussions with the few that are. So while Luke and Noah's story is probably not going to go where I wold like it to go, (it's a soap afterall) I think it's a great story so far.

Why America isn't ready for sexual fluidity

As a teen with few friends and living in the suburbs, I watched soap operas. But once I moved to the city on my own, making a living and going out became more important than being glued to mindless TV. I never looked back and thankfully haven't watched a soap opera in nearly two decades. But stumbling on this "groundbreaking gay romance" of Luke and Noah on As The World Turns has peaked my interest to see how times have (and haven't) changed.

"Historically, queer soap opera characters have lived loveless, sexless, and tragic lives when compared to their heterosexual counterparts. The plotlines for gay, lesbian, and bisexual characters on daytime television have typically been limited to subjects like coming out, AIDS, homophobia and unrequited love, a far cry from the wildly romantic, outrageous, and sexually voracious adventures of straight soap characters." - Soaps Come Clean About Gay Teens

"The content-related policies of [As The World Turns] sponsor Procter & Gamble Productions may have contributed to the perception of conservatism. The soap manufacturing giant typically balked at storylines in which adultery and other immoral behavior would go unpunished, and as late as the 1980s characters from the primary families were still generally not allowed to go through with abortions." - Wikipedia.

I found an old article from The Advocate that made me even more aware of the politics of soap operas. According to The Advocate, in 1998, the Disney-owned ABC, came under fire from the religious right regarding Ellen. Back then one of its soap operas dealt with it's gay character by having him seek psychotherapy.

It's interesting how soap operas (and cable news for that matter) are ultimately about selling soap (or cars, etc), how corporate America ultimately listens to its viewers, and how even in these liberal times, the conversation today avoids sexual fluidity.

The sexual fluidity of Closeted g0ys

The older I get, the more I realize that heterosexual coupling is still very much the status quo with a very strong pull. Nobody wants to be alone forever. Procreation is a natural drive and the yin-yang of male-female can never be fully replicated in a man-man relationship.

While we've come a long way in accepting gays, I think the gay world itself is in many ways trapped because it places the penetrative man-woman relationship as its ideal counter model.

I think that two men can definitely care intensely for each other, and they can even kiss and cuddle, play around, and cry together.

I just want to challenge the gay stereotypes because I and many people I know don't really fit them. There's also a growing number of website groups dealing with g0ys (spelled with a zer0). For example, the group closetedg0ys has almost 7,000 members.

"A G0y is a homosexual man who does not practice anal sex. G0ys consider anal sex indecent whether it be between man and woman or man and man. Ancient Greeks were mostly G0ys since anal sex was prohibited (and illegal) but all other displays of affection between men were considered normal. Temple prostitutes were labelled perverts because they engaged in anal sex. Thus, a G0Y (Spelled with a ZER0), will engage in all forms of spiritual and physical intimacy with other men except anal sex." - Urban Dictionary