Gay for pay in our cult-of-celebrity era

While there are some signs that gay-for-pay actors in today's cult of celebrity era are less afraid of being linked to their gay characters or typecast like Brokeback Mountain's Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger, Colin Farrell, (shown here kissing Dallas Roberts in A Home at the End of the World), however, reasserted his own heterosexuality in a 2004 interview in with GQ:

"I was very uncomfortable doing it. As much as I love Dallas -- and I got on great with him -- I didn't enjoy it. I'd prefer to lift weights for 20 minutes than kiss a guy for two seconds. It taught me what I knew already: I don't like kissing boys. When you feel his stubble against your lip, it's repulsive to me, as repulsive to me as for a lot of gay men the idea of putting their tongue near a pussy is—something that, for me, is akin to heaven sometimes." - Colin Farrell

"Every man goes through a period of thinking they’re attracted to another guy." - Jake Gyllenhaal

"I'm big enough and brave enough to do it." - Heath Ledger

We are all at various levels of accepting who we are and what we are willing to do and not everything or everyone is going to turn our crank. Both personal boundaries and chemistry are important.

When Van Hansis (Luke on As The World Turns) learned that his character would be gay, he said he was hoping that the actor who would play his character's love interest would at least be "cool".

I've kissed many guys and girls in my life. One of the worst kissers was this lesbian I dated before she came out. Ironically, her gay male friend was one of the best kissers I've had. I've only kissed them each one time and it was in the same room and 5 minutes apart.

Thought of the day: If you're going to kiss someone, chemistry is definitely important.

Pretending to crotch grab your buddy in front of the suburban girl you just picked up

Every summer there's always plenty of public activities to go to where everyone from the burbs comes down to the city.

A buddy of mine and his girlfriend were throwing a party on their apartment roof deck on one such night this summer. His buddy had just broken up with his girlfriend recently and had picked up a sweet suburban girl who had lost her friends in the crowds.

So we were on the roof deck drinking beers and chatting afterwards and my buddy had a bag of chips on his lap. His buddy reached into the bag and my buddy said, "dig deeper, boy". So his buddy dug really deep into the bag pretending to feel his crotch and we all broke out in laughter except the suburban girl. She said, "I think it's time I go now" in a "Are you guys gay?" voice. My buddy said, "This ain't the homophobic suburbs, girl, relax."

Crotch grabbing a flirtatious metrosexual on the street who seems to kinda like it

So the other night I went to a gay pub for a few beers. I was getting tipsy and chatting with some guys and then an acquaintance of mine walked in and bought me yet another beer. So I was pretty tipsy and getting gregarious. At closing time, me and this guy I had been chatting with poured onto the street.

We were just rambling when this cute metrosexual dude in his late 30s walked by and engaged us in a conversation. (See: How To Know if You're a Metrosexual). Actually he interrupted our conversation, but he was cute so I obliged. He was trying really hard to show his acceptance and tolerance of gays. He kept saying how cool the bar we had stumbled out of was and rattled off the names of a few gay clubs that had closed down many years ago to some how prove that he wasn't a homophobe or something. The guy I was chatting with and I both said it was just a bar and we weren't that thrilled with the place. It was odd that he was more thrilled with it than we were.

He was obviously very homosocial, but he also made a point of saying, "I'm not gay" several times. I replied, "I'm not gay either" to see how he'd respond and I could see his head spinning.

Labels are a peculiar thing and many of us who don't identify as gay negotiate our identities differently. I also think that by the time you're in your late 30s, you've had plenty of time to explore both sides of the closet. Even most gay personals online repeatedly ask "How out are you" and the options provided are indicative of the diversity of "outness".

I think the closet has often been thought of as a bad thing because "you're not being true to yourself" or whatever. I think that's a crock. We're not all a 6 on the Kinsey Scale.

So the guy and I had been chatting in the bar about circumcision. I asked the flirty metrosexual if he was cut or uncut. He got shy and wouldn't answer but persisted talking to us. He was all smiling and happy. So I leaned over to grab his crotch and check for myself. He jumped back to avoid getting crotch grabbed and smiled as though he almost wanted it. Eventually after a few failed attempts he never pulled back in time and I successfully grabbed his crotch and gave it a gentle squeeze. He was wearing sweat pants so I could feel quite a bit. It felt like he was either cut or he had a very thin foreskin. So I said to the the other guy, "He's cut" and then the metrosexual said "No, I'm not". Alas, we got our answer. Ha!

We all parted ways smiling.

Homosocial affection: two boxers kiss in the ring

It may not be right for you, but it's right for me

So I joined the Van Hansis fan message board yesterday and posted about how I hoped that As The World Turns would have a scene where Noah tells Luke something like "Can we just lay here and cuddle tonight". For many guys like myself, "going all the way" is a big issue.

Anyway, what began as sincere wishful thinking on my part sadly deteriorated. I was accused of being annoying, having an agenda, and received a number of harsh replies. I also received a private message thanking me for bringing up the topic despite the flack I've received. That was kinda nice. A few people also apologized for attacking me and welcomed me to the group but the next day there were more insults where someone quoted excerpts of my blog here, accused me of being harsh here in my blog, and called me "sad" because I do not like anal sex.

The "good warm group" there want us all to "let this thread die". Well I am certainly no glutton for punishment - especially from people who appear to live in glass houses - but I have a few things on my heart that I need to get out about what has sadly unfolded there.

For starters, I hope I haven't insinuated that being frigid was a horrible thing. I don't think being sexually loose is necessarily any better or worse than being frigid. But as Feist (covering the Bee Gees) sings, "Too many lovers in one lifetime ain't good for me". My only reason for mentioning it was to show the diversity of people: both men and women, gay and straight, in and out of the closet, etc.

Like the confused Noah and Luke before him, coming out is complicated. There's no cake or free toaster oven. And it certainly doesn't happen overnight. Some people I have known have got rainbow tattoos on their shoulders to somehow make it permanent, but I think even for them self-acceptance will be a lifelong process. In fact, around 10 years ago I asked this gay DJ whether he was totally out. He said that while he's been out for 30 years, he's still learning how to accept himself for who he is.

And even after someone comes out, there's no happily ever after. I came out out of the closet years ago and soon realized I was in another type of closet - the gay ghetto (hence the title of my blog).

The gay community is often more of an insular shark tank than a caring open community and like the straight world, it too has it's own rules, codes of behaviour, hierarchies, fracture, intolerance, and lack of respect for diversity often bordering on outright disdain for it unless it falls within specific boundaries. It's basically intolerance disguised as pseudo-tolerance.

I just heard that they're thinking of partitioning Iraq now like they partitioned India and Pakistan many years ago. We all talk of diversity and inclusiveness and yet our own solutions to strife are further segregation, rather than the often arduous process of dialogue, compassion and diplomacy. We are an intolerant species wanting quick fixes and painless veneers that over time only self-destruct or prove futile.

And this kinda brings me to Jesus. He cared for the social outcasts, the prostitutes, etc. He never said a word of judgment about gays. He pissed off the religious zealots and fostered tolerance, respect, and acceptance for the poor, the lonely and the disenfranchised.

Life is about overcoming challenges and obstacles. Even without sexuality, life has many challenges like careers, health, finances, and even war.

Every human being is coming to terms with who he/she is, and hopefully, who he/she is becoming. We are all on a journey.

My blog is pretty raw honesty and I don't claim to be perfect or have the right answers. My path may not be right for everyone, but it's right for me. For today alone.

It's interesting how often the ones who demand tolerance are often the last people to respect that not everyone has chosen the same path or shares the same opinions.

Sexuality is complex for straight people, gay people, bisexuals, and everything in between. Heck, even friendships can be complex and difficult to maintain.

Coming to terms with who we are is a lifelong process. I am not finished with coming to terms with myself yet because I am still learning who I am and becoming the man I want to be. I've been in and out of the closet. I've been in and out of the gay ghetto. Now, I'm out of the box and undefined.

Identity politics is didactic.

In some ways, Luke represents a lot of people who try to put their experiences onto another person rather than letting the other person (Noah) discover who he is on his own.

We can't change others and it's not kind to tell people how to live their lives or judge them because their choices would not be your choices.

All we can do is change ourselves, forgive others, and be kind and respectful to others wherever they are on their journey.